


Soul Man

by silverruffian



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Demon Dean Winchester, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-09
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-02-28 20:04:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2745314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverruffian/pseuds/silverruffian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Demon Dean Winchester's crowdfunding project has a bit of a twist from all the others: "...this one won't cost you a thing. Not one thin dime. All you have to do is hit the button on the next screen and pledge your soul to me...I guarantee that the next twelve months will be the best damn year of your life. You can party non-stop if you wanna. It's all you." Four crack-filled chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deal or no deal

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I doubt you'll find anything like this on gofundme dot com.

Found on gehenna soulharvest dot com.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Chapter 1 - Deal or no deal

How To Stop All That Emo Crap & Get Whatever You Want In Life

By Dean Winchester

Funding Successful. This project exceeded all expectations and was successfully funded on September 7th. The original goal was 2,000,000.

Final Count:

9,075,030

Backers

9,075,030

Souls pledged

0

seconds to go.

Project Goals

Everybody has dreams. I mean everybody. And what's so wrong with getting what you want out of life? Not a damn thing. Like it or not, you have an expiration date. The Big Guy upstairs saw to that one, so you might as well enjoy yourself while you can. Believe me, I've been there. I wasted years of my life bawling like a bitch, worrying about other people and crap I couldn't control. I got a new lease on life a few months ago and now I couldn't be happier.

You can have whatever you want in life. And I'm just the dude who can deliver.

How? Because I'm awesome, that's how. Forget those other crowdfunding campaigns, this one won't cost you a thing. Not one thin dime.

All you have to do is hit the button on the next screen and pledge your soul to me. You do that and I guarantee that the next twelve months will be the best damn year of your life. You can party non-stop if you wanna. It's all you.

Want to win the lottery? Consider it done. Have dreams of becoming an overnight sensation, a famous rock star? Done. Wanna be the next Stephen King? That's doable. Problems with noisy neighbors? Say hello to peace and quiet. Family doesn't understand you? I've been there. Co-workers taking advantage of you on the job? You're singing to the choir with that one. Does the guy or girl you'd love to be with ignore you instead and won't give you the time of day? No problemo.

I can give you anything you want.

Let that sink in for a moment: I can give you ANYTHING you want. Anything your heart desires.

All for the price of that dumbass soul that you never use anyway.

After you make your pledge I will personally come to your house and we'll seal the deal. We can even take a selfie to mark the occasion. That's a freebie.

Now I know what you're thinking: "My soul? WTF?" Hold on, hear me out. Don't hit that big red X at the top right corner of the screen just yet.

Stop and think about this for a moment. Think about what a useless POS your soul really is. It's like your appendix. Or a toenail. What is your soul good for? Not much. Can you pay the rent with it? No. Put gas in your car with it? No. Buy groceries, a movie ticket or that latest CD/DVD?

Nope.

Nope.

Hell no.

I rest my case. The damn thing's worthless. About time you put it to good use.

Even if you don't believe in souls, even if you don't believe you have one, you want a better life or you wouldn't have clicked on this link in the first place. Let's say you don't believe a damned thing I'm saying. Fair enough. You can always think of this as a fun way to spend your time online. Harmless, right?

What's the catch? Well, it's a small one. At the end of 12 months I'll come see you again. We'll take a trip. Somewhere warm. All expenses paid. We'll see the sights, have a few laughs.

I posted my photo with this project so you can see that I'm not like those weirdo creeps on Craigslist. Picture that sweet ass standing at your door dressed in a black designer suit. Need I say more? The complete photoshoot is here on my Facebook page: deamonwinchester

▼PLEDGE YOUR SOUL▼

4, 237, 891 backers as of Sep 4

I want to thank everybody who's signed up so far. The sky's the limit, folks. You won't regret it.

Risks and Challenges

Risks? There are none. Zip. Zero. Nada.

Challenges? Yeah, there might be a few. Not gonna lie to you about that. Your family and friends and the high and mighty powers that be may try to talk you out of this. Comes with the territory. Their lives are totally screwed up, and they want yours to stay messed up too. I guarantee that at some point you'll get a visit from two fake FBI agents. One of them will be Sasquatch with shaggy hair and the other one's this Lieutenant Colombo wanna-be in a wrinkled tan trench coat. They'll try to convince you that pledging your soul was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. When they show up on your doorstep don't say I didn't warn you.

If you want to miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime and keep living your dull boring life, go ahead. I'm not gonna twist your arm. I believe in free will. Turn this down and every day you'll be reminded of the life you know you deserve.

But if you want the good life then hit that pledge button and get ready to rock and roll. It's just that simple.

o0o0o0o0o

Update #1: Sep 3

What did I tell you? What were my words to you?

The Catholic Church and the Vatican are badmouthing this project all over the damn 'net.

Screw them.

They tried their best to shut us down, and that was an epic fail. You guys are great. Thanks for not listening to those pious sonsofbitches.

o0o0o0o0o0

Comments

A TROLL on Sep 1  
My cousin tole me about this website where I can make 1200 dollars a day at my computer. I applied and I -

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 1  
Okay, that's it. You're outta here, jackass.

A TROLL ON Sep 1  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 1  
Sweet. Next?

Rosalie Dawson on Sep 2  
I just didn't know what to expect. And then you showed up on my doorstep yesterday wearing that dark blue suit. No tie. You really listened to me and you didn't think my dream was weird or stupid. Things changed overnight, and I can't tell you how happy I am now. Ummm...is it okay if I posted my selfie to Facebook? And Instagram? Live Journal? Tumblr?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sept 2  
The deal's done, sweetness. What you do with your selfie is up to you.

N. Wilson on Sep 2  
OMG, you're sooo right! Those two came to my house yesterday and asked all kinds of questions. I knew they were fake 'cause the one in the tan coat held his ID upside down when he showed it to me. Said you were a demon and that I'd be damned for all eternity. I don't care. You're a hottie. The big one was kinda cute though, lol.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 2  
Thanks, babe. Have fun. See you in 12 months.

Billy Markinson on Sep 2  
Dude, I thought this was a scam. Pledged just for shit and grins. Now I'm living it up in Malibu with a beach house and wall to wall surfer chicks. I don't know how in the hell you did this. Thanks!

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 2  
Funny you should say that. Never mind. Enjoy.

Sam Winchester on Sep 3  
Dean, this is monstrous. I'm going to stop you.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 3  
You and what army, Sasquatch? Good luck with that.

Aaron Payne on Sep 3  
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH COLUMBIA RECORDS! THEY WANT TO SIGN ME UP! YOU DIDN'T LAUGH AT ME WHEN I SAID I WANTED TO BE THE NEXT JUSTIN BIEBER! THANKS, MAN!

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 3  
Whoa. Extreme exclamation point abuse. Use your inside voice. It's your deal, pal. You're happy, I'm happy.

Barry Whitefeather on Sep 4  
I really want - I need- to see you again. I saw your Facebook page and I made my pledge just so I could meet you. I won the state lottery today, just like I wanted to, but I don't care about any of that. I really enjoyed it when we sealed the deal. I can't wait a year to see you. I need to see you now. Interested?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 4  
Hell no. I'm flattered, but this isn't personal, it's business. I have a type and you ain't it.

Shirley Edmunds on Sep 4  
Um...I got the insurance settlement for Lenny, my husband. Wasn't that weird how that twister came down and picked up his car? Come by my house. I'd like to thank you personally.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 4  
I got a busy schedule but I'll see if I can fit you in. Otherwise I'll see you in twelve. Months, that is.

Castiel, an Angel of the Lord on Sep 5  
You're going down a dangerous path, Dean. You must stop what you're doing immediately.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 5  
Hey, bird butt. I got your grace.

Castiel on Sep 5  
Bird butt? Wait, you what? You do?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 5  
Yep. I won it on ebay. One'a Metatron's flunkies put it up for auction.

Castiel on Sep 5  
Are you...are you going to give my grace back to me?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 5  
Suuure I am.

Castiel on Sep 5  
Uh...you're not really going to give it back, are you?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 5  
Nope! I'm just messing with you.

Sam Winchester on Sep 6  
I'm sorry, Dean. This ends now. Exorcizamus te -

Becky the Fangirl on Sep 6  
Hello, Sam. When you speak Latin like that you give me chills all over.

Sam Winchester on Sep 6  
Huh? Becky? How did you get inside the Bunker?

Becky the Fangirl on Sep 6  
Calm down, Sam. Let the magic work.

Sam Winchester on Sep 6  
Wh-wh-at-t...a-are...y-you-u...d-doi-ng-g...t-tooo...m-meeee...

Becky the Fangirl on Sep 6  
That's better. Sleep now, Sam. Thanks, Dean! I'll send you a postcard on our honeymoon. Europe looks nice this time of year.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 6  
Glad to help, Becks. You crazy kids have fun. And this time don't unchain him from the bed. Have a good year!

SITE ADMINISTRATOR on Sep 7

This project is now closed. Much thanks to everyone for their support. We're keeping your rooms hot and ready for you down here, boys and girls. Until next time, darlings. - Crowley

o0o0o0o0

Pop culture reference: "What did I tell you? What were my words to you?" - John Milton/Satan (Al Pacino) from "The Devil's Advocate."

~TBC this week~


	2. ...and now a word from the morons that be...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Princes of Hell send Demon Dean a memo. Darn pencil pushers.

MEMO

From the Desks of the Princes of Hell

TO: Dean Winchester

RE: Your recent soulfunding project

It has come to our attention that you recently created and successfully funded the most massive soul harvesting campaign in Hell's history. What you accomplished was astounding. Needless to say, we are most impressed. We would like to convey our most profound respect and appreciation to you. Despite your deplorable past as a human hunter we consider you to be a demon with a bright future.

We are curious as to your methods, however. The time frame for the standard deal is typically ten years. Why did you give one year instead?

We mean no disrespect by this. No matter how unorthodox your methods are, the fact that they are most effective is undeniable. It is our understanding that you have forged an alliance with Circe and her coven, which does explain the quickness of your results. This is most remarkable. No one else in the history of Hell has been able to do that.

We do have some concerns about future endeavors, however. We hearby respectfully request a temporary freeze on future harvests. Due to budget cuts in personnel we are now experiencing a backlog in processing incoming souls. The Second Circle (Lust) in particular has experienced massive delays. Many of the souls are demanding that you pay them a personal visit of a carnal nature. That is not going to happen, of course. We are not in the habit of giving them what they want down here. If they wanted to be rewarded they should have kept it in their pants, behaved themselves and gone Upstairs.

We have currently set up a holding area in the First Circle (Limbo). The unbaptized and the virtuous pagans are pitching a fit about overcrowding. Tough titty, as the kitty was purported to have said. Depending on the nature of the deals of the damned, the backlogs range from anywhere from 6 months to a year for the following departments:

Second Circle (Lust)

Third Circle (Gluttony)

Fourth Circle (Greed and Avarice)

Fifth Circle (Anger)

Sixth Circle (Heresy/Flaming BBQ pits) Don't be a stranger. You're welcome to visit any time. Lunch is on the house. We recommend the rump roast with hickory smoke flavored BBQ sauce.

Seventh Circle (Violence)

Eighth Circle (Fraud)

Ninth Circle (Treachery)

King Crowley (His Infernal Majesty, long may he reign) has ordered that half of our personnel topside come down to beef up our workforce until the backlog is eliminated. That means that certain tv evangelists, politicians and internet trolls will have to put their careers on hold for the time being, but that's a small price to pay. He is our King after all, and if they do not comply we are certain that Juliet and her pack will be only to happy to drag them back down to Hell for a stay of a more permanent nature. We remain confident that we can and will recruit new personnel from the influx of souls after processing. Then you may resume operations.

Once again, our sincere regards and thanks for your efforts.

BTW: Snooki sends her love.

Sincerely,

Princes Rege, Larnu, Pau, Set, Medit et al

TBC this week.


	3. he who does not play well with others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean responds to the memo from hell's administrators. That didn't end well.

 

Chapter 3 – he who does not play well with others

MEMO

From the desk of Dean Winchester  
Knight of Hell, Current Bearer of the Mark of Cain  
and  
The New Father of Murder  
(And don't you sonsofbitches ever forget it, either)

TO: The new princes of Hell who took the place of the old ones I ganked

Dudes, anybody else feeling suicidal? Anybody?

Because if you are, go ahead, send someone else to spy on me and Circe like the other ones did. You bastards as just as bad as those pigeons. You like to watch.

Why'd I give those suckers one year? Hey, I got one year when I made my deal, nobody gets more time than I did.

No worries about me doing another soul harvest. I'm through. I'm done. I mean, it was fun at first, but that salesman gig gets old after the first couple thousand. I didn't expect to get that many souls but I shoulda known better.

Demons I get, humans are crazy.

DW

A/N - Chapter 4 is next.


	4. When Demon Dean Met Becky the Fangirl

A/N: Like sands in the hourglass, these are the past events leading up to the marriage of Becky Rosen and Sam Winchester. Demon Dean and Crowley were so thrilled they presented the happy couple with a vacuum cleaner as a wedding gift. Could be considered non-con, but we won't go there.

O0O0O0O0O0O

Chapter 4 – Flashback: When Demon Dean met Becky the Fangirl

THEN

Rosen Residence

Trenton, Ohio

Becky Rosen startled when she heard the knock on the door. Frankly, she didn't know quite what to expect. She'd seen the webpage, she'd pushed the "Pledge Your Soul" button on a whim, but she still wasn't sure. It took a lot of nerve to make a request like that, especially from Dean Winchester, but then when it came to Sam Winchester Becky never lacked for nerve in the first place.

She cautiously eased up to the peephole and looked out.

The man standing on the porch wore a sleek black designer suit that fit him perfectly. Purple dress shirt, black tie.

Becky stared at him for a moment. It was Dean, all right. Same moss green eyes. She thought of them as fan fiction green. His hair was a little lighter in color and fluffier than she remembered. The last time she saw Dean he reminded her of an angry denim clad tiger because of the spell she cast over Sam. Not this time. He looked calm. Relaxed.

He was taller than she remembered. But he wasn't Sam.

Dean leaned down, looked directly into the peep hole and winked at her.

Becky jerked back. No. Couldn't be. Must have been a trick of the light, because for a second his eyes looked pitch black. She looked through the peephole again.

He waved at her this time. His eyes were green.

Becky stood there for what seemed like a long moment, then nervously wiped her palms on the thighs of her jeans. Get yourself together, girl, she told herself sternly. Your destiny awaits.

Mrs. Becky Rosen Winchester. Ahh, that had a mighty fine ring to it.

Her hands shook slightly as she fumbled with the locks. She swung the door open. If this was a trick, if Dean yelled at her because he was still mad she was going to spray him with the mace in her pocket.

Dean smiled warmly at her instead. "Hi, Becky."

"Uh, hello, Dean."

He just stood there. "You mind if I come in?"

"Oh, um...okay."

My goodness, that suit did look good on him. Becky felt a sharp stab of irritation as she glanced at his tight ass as he walked past. Why couldn't Sam dress like that? Dean's hair looked so fluffy she wanted to run her fingers through it.

But she didn't. He wasn't Sam.

She closed the door and locked it. Dean stood there looking around. "Nice place," he said mildly.

"Uh huh." Becky nodded.

They stood there until the moment seemed really really weird and awkward. Dean didn't fidget. He stood there perfectly still. Becky fidgeted.

Finally Dean smiled. He had a nice smile, but he still wasn't Sam. "Umm, Becky? What did you-"

"I want Sam. I want your brother," Becky blurted out.

The eldest Winchester brother nodded. "Okay."

The words came out in a rush: "Sam and I are soulmates and I know you didn't like what I did the last time with the spell but I love him and I know Sam loves me back and we were always meant to be together and I -"

"Uh, Becky?" Dean said slowly. "I said okay."

"Huh? What?"

Dean smiled as he spread his arms wide. "Hey, who am I to stand in the way of true love? I'm not mad at you anymore."

She eyed him suspiciously. "You really mean that?"

He nodded. "I do. I've been wrong about you the whole time. I know that now."

"Oh. Oh!" Becky lunged forward and hugged Dean. Hard. Then she stepped back.

The hug was nice, but he wasn't Sam.

"Sammy's always been too damn stubborn for his own good. You two make a really cute couple so I'm going to help you."

Dean nodded at the couch. "Have a seat and we'll discuss terms. I have a few new spells you can use, all the intel you'll need to find him, and some happy dust guaranteed to get Sammy in the right mood."

O0O0O0O0O0

NOT MUCH LATER THAN BEFORE

Dusty's Lower 48 Bar and Grill

Lexington, Kentucky

Dean blinked black and glared at the demon who had his favorite seat at the bar. Dude was currently wearing the burly uniformed meatsuit of one of Lexington's uniformed finest. Despite the gun at his hip the possessed cop ducked his head meekly and got the hell out of Dean's way.

Janus the bartender nodded cordially at Dean. Dean liked Janus. He might have been two-faced, but Dean could always see him coming a mile away. "What's up, Dean. Your usual?"

Dean nodded as he took his seat. "For starters."

Janus produced a longnecked bottle of beer with a flourish and was careful to put a coaster down on the counter first.

"Hard day at work, sweetheart?" Crowley purred as he slid onto the bar stool beside Dean. The King of Hell already had his own beer bottle in hand.

Dean ignored the remark. He raised the bottle, took a long, deep swallow. "I don't know how you can make those damn deals all damn day long." He dug his fingers into his tie and loosened it. "Damn thing feels like a noose. And selling's pretty damned boring."

Janus came back with more drinks. He put down coasters, then a shot glass full of Johnny Walker Black down in front of Dean and a glass of GlenCraig for Crowley.

Crowley shrugged as he picked at the label of his bottle with his fingers. "What can I say. It's a living. So Becky went for the deal, eh?"

"Yep. My last one. I'm done."

"What? But you're so damn good at it."

Dean glared at him.

"No? Okay. Fine. Did you get a selfie with her?"

Dean smirked. "Nope. She passed on the selfie because I'm not Sam. That really hurts." His voice dripped sarcasm. "Right here." Dean dramatically put one hand over his heart. He picked up the shot glass and drained it in one gulp.

"Damn. I wanted that one for my Facebook page," the King of Hell muttered darkly.

"If she pulls this off we're going to have to change the deal."

Crowley quirked an eyebrow. "Excuse me? If? I thought with Circe involved this was a done deal."

"Ordinarily, yeah." Dean shrugged. "But this is Sam in the Batcave we're talking about. Men of Letters Bunker, remember? With the mojo I gave Becky I think she can do it. I have a back-up plan but I don't think we'll need it."

"Okay. But what's this about changing the deal?"

"I've been thinking."

"That's never a good thing, Squirrel."

"Watch it," Dean growled in warning.

"No offense." Crowley was just as insincere as, well, as hell.

"None taken," Dean lied. "Well? You can change existing contracts, am I right?"

"Well, yes. In certain cases." Crowley eyed his former top salesman warily. "For certain religious figures. Entertainers, politicians. Internet trolls. What'd you have in mind?"

"I gave her the standard deal. One year. Why don't we give Becky an extension until the end of her life? And make sure she has a really long one. With Sam. As soon as she snags him I'll make up some bullshit lie, tell her she won an online contest or something."

Crowley looked impressed. "Dean, you have the soul of a poet. And the morals of a true businessman. Which is to say, no morals at all."

Dean laughed. "Hey, at the very least he'll get non-stop nookie. Crazy obsessed nookie. It's either that or kill him. Serve his ass right to be saddled with her. It's win-win all around. Becky gets her man, Sam's out of the way for good, and I don't have to keep looking over my shoulder. He still wants to save me."

"So you're going to hook Moose up permanently with his number one groupie." Crowley chuckled. "That's evil with a capital E."

They smirked at each other as they clinked their beer bottles together. "Well, duh."

~finis~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And the rest, as they say, is history. That's all there is, folks, there isn't any more.


End file.
